OK, there will be one. I think. Anyway, I have this gender-free shot here to show how the doctors, or nurses if its late in the day and docs haven't had lunch yet. That's a good reason to do your colonoscopy in the morning. The last one I had was about ten years ago (more on that later) and the Gastroenteritis who died right after my last colonoscopy in 2009. Stay away from people offering to do it for cheap using a vacuum cleaner. But it can be okay if you're up that late and can't stand seeing ancient Emeril Lagasse pushing his chicken cooker thing at three at the morning, another sad story of the Food Channel Monster eating its own children (with some garlic! Everybody loves garlic!)
I may have lost track there for a second or two but no worries, the afternoon drugs will kick in at some point and I will be eligible frasking corn. Be right backkkkkkk.
(sounds of sipping water}
So first you have to sign twenty or more papers to give the medical facility the OK to look at a naked person'in the first place, then undress the person, and put on a silly looking large towel that has no ability to shield you from commentary from the nursing staff, who are trained enough to giggle about us at the assigned nurse stations near food carts, and large machinery that may or may not be part of what they are sticking up your bum shortly.
Meanwhile, the idea is to make this invasion of your dignity as gentle as possible, so the largest nurse on the floor to begin the happy job of getting you sedated. Suddenly you are part of a giant machine dulling your senses and preparing for the TV show, "Poop -free travels!" Yes, at least, five professional in whites and goggles move toward the terrified patient, me, with soothing words and wires to go inside to make a terrorist attack upon my butt.
For those science fiction fans out there, think Borg, Cybermen, or back otar Walking Dead back of the crowd scenes. Early on in the WD series there was a hospital scene in which Rick is trying to escape the facility, with newly dead patients, docs, nurses, and people having colonoscopies, out on the street with all that medical stuff hanging out as the now dead patient goes in search of fellow dead patients. Rick does escape these unfortunate folks and then I've forgotten whatever went on after that.
Here I must give a tip of my Brooklyn Tip Tops baseball cap to the doctors I deal with. When it was found that I had MS, the docs decided I should be excused for ten years for any anal exploration. My time expired this year, so I went through with it. The drugs allowed me keep in contact with the hordes of people and machines watching this:
OK, two pictures.
Again, it (me) has a sci-fi feeling in this photo.
Kirk: Spock, what is this place?
Tri-corder sound.
Spock: Unknown, Captain. We appear to have beamed into a living organism of immense size. We were invited, and were given these coordinates. Perhaps we should proceed along this pathway and down this hall.
McCoy: Jim! Spock! Wait! This is not a hallway! It's a waste passage, intestinal. I think we need to go before...
KIrk: My god. KIrk to Enterprise! Scotty, beam us! Now-"
McCoy: Jim, wait! There's a light coming toward us. I think it may be a welcome device-"
Spock: Perhaps not, Doctor. It has seen us and it is reversing course. Perhaps we have been duped into a colonoscopy for some large human like being miniaturized, and placed here for some reason. Or we remain at our regular sizes and this creature is massive version of a human form.
A large set of pincers next into the hall and opened their arms and snatched before what be attributed to some orb, attached to left orb.
Spock: Time to go, gentlemen. The next visit should be upon us it
KIrk: Scotty? Anytime now?
Click. Click. Click. "Clear!" the doctor said, stepping back off from the patient! "I could swear I heard voices in there."
"In his butt?' the nurse asked. "Doctor Mugabe, man, you are something else."
" I swear, Nurse Chapel, I could hear the voices.coming from his rectum. Hear, the tri-corder can help. Place it at the rectal
"In your head, Doc. Not in Mr. Martin's butt."
"Let's look at the film. Run the video."
I went home so I don't know the outcome of the dreamBut something tells me no more colonoscopies for Tom until 2029 Since MS is having its way with me, it may not be a big deal. And I am
Oh ,by the way, one week after this, I was at the urologist, and bingo, pants down, turn around and bend over. "This may hurt a bit. Yep. But the second invasion of my person showed all is well.
My psychiatrist says I'm losing weight. 12/31/2010 193 lbs (last day at work) 10/7/2019 173 lbs.
More on this later, but I can fit into my 9th grade denim jacket.
Anyhow, I dozed a bit after the tuneup was done and woke from the enforced nap. I had one polyp getting ready to cause problem and "snip", it went away. Was told as they won't need to see me for 10 more years. 10 more years of MS. My heart Doc says that all is good after tests to assure that there were no more problems when my heart beating 42 beats per minute, which when you do the math means I'm dead 18 seconds a minute. I was in this group:
- Blue Whales. 8 bpm.
- Elephants. 30 bpm.
- Horses. 36 bpm.
- Tom 42 bpm.
- Humans. 75 bpm.
Anyway, I did feel better after four consecutive Ihop breakfasts and sitting around the house watching Hall mark the heart rate is up to 72 pbm. Running (pretend I do) against my Nemesis is relentless tedium, but there's sometime for hope yet. And I hope to get this blog rolling again.
It's good to have goals, especially those of us with "special" challenges. Whether it be making your bed, listening to good music, calling people who are aware what's going on and will have an ear for your needs (support teams - bless'em all) You need to know where your health buddies are. I know where mine is. Jackie, my dear wife. That's pretty much it. My actual family sends a Christmas card or two for us each year. Due to my challenges, I am a cranky SOB somedays but I try to be nice. Mostly. And I thank you for reading.
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| September 1971 |
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| January 2020 |
